Distress Tolerance refers to the threshold at which people are able to handle emotional discomfort/intensity. This can apply to any number of emotions and, while we may first connect this with anger or sadness, it can also apply to anxiety and even happiness.
You may wonder why this is important or how it impacts your child. Think of it like going to the gym, the more a person practices an exercise that is (appropriately) uncomfortable or difficult, the more they will grow from the experience. What would happen if someone is lifting weights and their spotter takes over without allowing them to struggle? The spotter may be able to handle it easily or get stronger themselves, but what about the person lifting? They will experience minimal growth, if any, from the experience.
Now take this example and think emotions (sadness, failure, rejection, etc.) rather than physical discomfort. If we do not allow children and teens to experience difficult emotions, they do not build the "muscle" to do so. This can lead to difficulty regulating emotions throughout the person's life which can impact their experience in relationships, school, or even how they view themselves.
How can you help your child?
We so naturally as people, especially with family, look for opportunities to help those we care about. This is an excellent sign of empathy and connection. However, if we are too quick to jump in and take the child's discomfort away, we can inadvertently send the message to the child that they are not able to handle difficult emotions on their own.
This may sound like I am advising to let your child sink until they learn to swim, but that is not it. These difficult times are excellent opportunities to walk alongside your child or loved one and empower them to find solutions, process through why they are feeling such strong emotions, and let them know that they do not have to walk through it alone.
While this is particularly uncomfortable for parents, it is helpful to the child, parent, and the relationship between the two in the long run. You want to jump in because you love your child. However, sometimes we have to remember that in the (physical or emotional) gym, we do not grow if we do not experience the difficulties.
Parents, thank you for loving your children enough to allow them to grow through emotional difficulties. This is NOT easy and that is okay. In these moments, please lean on your support system, providers, and other people that you trust to remind you that the difficulties are worth it and to process your own emotional response.
Alicia Eggleston
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